Well, I've finally calmed down and listened to several people...my conclusion is that Gabriel isn't trying to destroy my mind or me, he's just handling 13 a lot differently than Nathan did...and I need to quit taking it personally. I know, easier said than done, but I've got a strategy. I'm really clinging to my 'walk away' idea. I simply refuse to fight any more, I tried it (the "Gabe, I'm not going to fight" and just walking away...and it worked. I'm not going to assume that it's a cure-all, I am not that silly, but to have a way out, to not have to but heads or back down, is really liberating.
He's been hurt so deeply by other-mom, I refuse to add to it, and my personality just doesn't allow me to back out of a conflict, so I'm just not letting the fight start. I've also asked him a couple of questions that were hard for him...that he has to answer, but only to himself, not to me. I asked why he gets so mean to (only) me when he's in touch with his mom. I also asked why he can be so awesome to me when his friends are around...I told him he needed to think really hard, get on his knees and find the answer, but he doesn't need to tell me. If he'll find the glitch, and adjust his attitude, peace and harmony will follow.
Not being pious and haughty and trying to blame it all on him, I've been in attitude boot-camp, and have determined that how I react when he lashes out is half the problem...hence the walk away. If I won't take the bait, it gives him the chance to cool down, and hopefully we'll figure out how to get along without any bloodshed at all!
This said, I have hilarity to share...Listening to my ipod, I had one earphone tucked in the front of my shirt so it wouldn't be in my way, and I can still keep track of what's going on around me. I'd forgotten it was there, I felt something move in me shirt, first thought was, "Spider" and I nearly freaked completely out! Before I'd traumatized everyone by tearing off my shirt and removed the offending arachnid, I dropped my ipod, and the earphones and 'spider' fell with it. Thank goodness for the small moments of wonder that make me have a sense of humor about myself...Richard laughed about it too! It's been a good day!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
...My brain's not operating right now...
I have a question...but I need to explain first
Still having a horrible time with Gabriel. I try, I really do. I talk to him, I hum and sing when I'm mad so that I don't yell. Instead of hunting him down and insisting he follow through with whatever he's left undone, I quickly and quietly take care of it to avoid a confrontation. (Much to the annoyance of all the other kids who have to do their own work).
He told me yesterday that he'd just given his mom his email address, I tried to talk to him about it, then I found this morning that he gave it to her a week ago...this explains a lot of his misbehavior towards me this past week...but Reed had helped him conceal this from me. Knowing how he treats me when he has contact with his mom, Reed didn't put the two things together, and I've been through hell and back more than I care to think about.
I want to keep him safe from her. The emotional damage is too great, and it confuses him so much, all this mess of hers, I feel very justified in sticking to the state guidelines and the judges ruling in parent-time that she chose to abandon. (She moved out of state, sent us a text after the fact, that's the measure of her devotion to her children. She's seen them once in the last year). She doesn't care at all that her talking to him builds his hopes, then when she fails him, which she has yet NOT TO DO, he spirals and vents his hurt and rage at me.
This said, my question is...
If I decide to do some extreme shopping for myself, should I go for the blue or the red dress?
Still having a horrible time with Gabriel. I try, I really do. I talk to him, I hum and sing when I'm mad so that I don't yell. Instead of hunting him down and insisting he follow through with whatever he's left undone, I quickly and quietly take care of it to avoid a confrontation. (Much to the annoyance of all the other kids who have to do their own work).
He told me yesterday that he'd just given his mom his email address, I tried to talk to him about it, then I found this morning that he gave it to her a week ago...this explains a lot of his misbehavior towards me this past week...but Reed had helped him conceal this from me. Knowing how he treats me when he has contact with his mom, Reed didn't put the two things together, and I've been through hell and back more than I care to think about.
I want to keep him safe from her. The emotional damage is too great, and it confuses him so much, all this mess of hers, I feel very justified in sticking to the state guidelines and the judges ruling in parent-time that she chose to abandon. (She moved out of state, sent us a text after the fact, that's the measure of her devotion to her children. She's seen them once in the last year). She doesn't care at all that her talking to him builds his hopes, then when she fails him, which she has yet NOT TO DO, he spirals and vents his hurt and rage at me.
This said, my question is...
If I decide to do some extreme shopping for myself, should I go for the blue or the red dress?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The road or path to happiness
So I went ahead and had a really hard talk with Gabe last night. Told him how precious he is to me, how much I love him, and how his behavior towards me is breaking my heart. (I now know why my mom walked on egg shells through my teenage years, careful not to 'set Karen off').
We cried, he was a lot upset, and this morning he was the smilingest, sweetest Gabriel I've ever seen. Not naive enough to assume that everything is fixed, knowing that there will be many ups and downs to come, I am grateful for this morning of peace!
I explained how everything in his life will be directly affected by his attitude. His decision to sit and be miserable, or to lift his head and see what goodness is available to him will make him either an angry, miserable child, or give him the opportunity to feel joy and love.
I also told him I'm sorry he's been so hurt by his mom. I'm guessing this part was long over-due, but I didn't want to make him feel like he had to defend her. I explained that it was her choice to leave. Where she is now and her state of mind now are also her choice, and yes it's hard, and hurts, but the rage he feels toward her because of her neglect won't go away by taking it out on me. Careful in my wording to not lay blame, to impress upon him that his determination is what will be the deciding factor, I told him how sorry I am that she hurt him, how much I love him, and how I want him to have true happiness.
I sometimes wonder if all the years of struggle with Ryan were preparation to be able to help Gabe. We'll both of us live through his teenage years, and I will continue to encourage him to strive for a positive attitude...and if you have a minute in your prayers, I'd consider it a great work if everyone could offer up a prayer for my Gabey, that he can find peace, and know that he's not at fault for how things turned out with his biological mother.
Thanks for letting me rant and vent!
We cried, he was a lot upset, and this morning he was the smilingest, sweetest Gabriel I've ever seen. Not naive enough to assume that everything is fixed, knowing that there will be many ups and downs to come, I am grateful for this morning of peace!
I explained how everything in his life will be directly affected by his attitude. His decision to sit and be miserable, or to lift his head and see what goodness is available to him will make him either an angry, miserable child, or give him the opportunity to feel joy and love.
I also told him I'm sorry he's been so hurt by his mom. I'm guessing this part was long over-due, but I didn't want to make him feel like he had to defend her. I explained that it was her choice to leave. Where she is now and her state of mind now are also her choice, and yes it's hard, and hurts, but the rage he feels toward her because of her neglect won't go away by taking it out on me. Careful in my wording to not lay blame, to impress upon him that his determination is what will be the deciding factor, I told him how sorry I am that she hurt him, how much I love him, and how I want him to have true happiness.
I sometimes wonder if all the years of struggle with Ryan were preparation to be able to help Gabe. We'll both of us live through his teenage years, and I will continue to encourage him to strive for a positive attitude...and if you have a minute in your prayers, I'd consider it a great work if everyone could offer up a prayer for my Gabey, that he can find peace, and know that he's not at fault for how things turned out with his biological mother.
Thanks for letting me rant and vent!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Where am I going?
As easy as Nathan is in just about every way; easy to talk to, easy to ask for help, easy to trust...I'm really struggling with Gabriel. He's not very truthful, he tends to ignore me rather than put forth any effort to follow the rules and guidelines in our house, and worst of all, he hates me because I'm not his mom.
Goodness knows I try to be patient and understanding and loving and sympathetic...but at what point does he get off his butt and contribute to our family?...Why does he think that everyone else has to play nice, but that he's exempt?
I recently explained that if he can't play nice, he'll get benched, and not get to play at all. I don't want to alienate him, but he's made me question my sanity on many occasions, and right now I'm all out of ideas! Why doesn't he want to understand that you don't have to be blood to be family?...everyone else gets it. He's outraged with me because I expect from him the same effort and to uphold the same standards as the rest of the kids...it makes me feel like the meanest monster mommy ever!
I hope he grows out of it soon, or I'm really going to build a dungeon in the crawl space to lock myself away from him!..for his own safety of course!
Goodness knows I try to be patient and understanding and loving and sympathetic...but at what point does he get off his butt and contribute to our family?...Why does he think that everyone else has to play nice, but that he's exempt?
I recently explained that if he can't play nice, he'll get benched, and not get to play at all. I don't want to alienate him, but he's made me question my sanity on many occasions, and right now I'm all out of ideas! Why doesn't he want to understand that you don't have to be blood to be family?...everyone else gets it. He's outraged with me because I expect from him the same effort and to uphold the same standards as the rest of the kids...it makes me feel like the meanest monster mommy ever!
I hope he grows out of it soon, or I'm really going to build a dungeon in the crawl space to lock myself away from him!..for his own safety of course!
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