Catching up...Christmas was the hardest day of the year. Loading kids into cars and dropping them off with other parents nearly did me in. I used to call it a 'kid-free weekend' when they were all gone at once, and although I didn't like it, I lived through it. Christmas was hell.
3 kids gone for 1 night, 3 others for 2 nights, and I cried and whimpered and protested the whole time. I was unable to calm down, Reed tried so hard to console me, and all I could do was fight and rage against myself for what I felt was offering them up as a sacrifice to parents who, although active in these children's creation, have by their own choices forfeit the right to be the parents of these amazing little spirits.
There are moments of deep frustration when I'm overwhelmed and pray for a minute of peace when all the kids need my undivided attention at once, but I know now that I am unconditionally a mother, and will never be happy otherwise. With all of them gone I was completely ungrounded. No focus, no ambition, no desire to exist, just anxious for their safe return.
They did all return home safely and emotionally intact for the most part, but how I resented the fact that they couldn't just stay with me. Reed and I are moving our mountain with all our strength to ensure that these precious beings have safety, security, stability, and an eternal family. Perhaps I'm selfish that I want to keep them with me, but how else can I watch over and guide them?...I felt like I was throwing them onto a busy freeway, knowing that cars were coming, and having to trust that I'd supplied them with enough of 'the right stuff' that they could maneuver across without being harmed...right into a den of hungry lions...I've always said that to teach them of the dangers that are waiting to accost them, I wouldn't employ Jeffrey Dahmer to baby-sit, but that's exactly how it felt...and I was powerless to change it!
I should be grateful that it was the 1st time since March that all 6 had been gone at the same time, but I thoroughly resented their absence. I'm now afraid that the Christmas season will forever be marred by other parents. The one day of the year that they can be bothered to put on a good show and look like they are parents. I love Christmas, and I fear that now it will be a dreaded and terrible ordeal.
To get past this, I'm trying to take the advise of my husband, a man I love more than the air I breath, which is to trust in the Lord, trust in what I've taught them, trust in their intelligence that they will know how to be strong and look out for each other until they are returned to me. I could let it go until next Christmas and panic again, but other mom has promised to visit next month. The greatest thing she ever did for her children was to move out of state, and I fear her spending time with them. When all 6 are together they are so strong, when they're apart, they can be faced with indecision, they lack the comfort of knowing they have numbers on their side. Our ward and neighborhood has quickly found that if you mess with one, you have the entire BehlingBunch to answer to, and there are very few problems with bullies and kids being picked on...this said, other mom often makes promises that are immediately forgotten to her, so I can hope she doesn't come to Utah in March...but on the off chance that she follows through, I need to be ready for the anguish and apprehension that fill me when they're absent.
Now I should note that I'm fine when they are with grandparents or scouts, on school activities or with friends, these things they are prepared for, but how do I prepare them for the threat of a parent they love, but that will fail them at every turn, dash their hopes, and expect them to still be loyal and loving through it all?...I need to find solace, peace, BALANCE...my being a psychotic wreck will do nothing to uphold them and fill them with confidence!...nor will it enable me to be a steadying strength to them.
...So I'll get off my soapbox...pray and plead and hover over them in the night when I think I hear one of them cough...I need to learn to give this particular hazard to the Lord...I'm doing all I can do, they are wonderfully smart kids and doing what they can do, the rest isn't up to me.
How I hate not being in control of everything...but that isn't the right plan, and so I must submit.
How I love each of them, I understand now why my parents said and did the things they did while I was growing up. I hope my own children won't resent my efforts, that they'll know it's love, not power, that motivates me!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I love you more than my luggage...
...And I've got a lot of luggage! Let's not confuse luggage and baggage. the difference?...my luggage is used to get me where I'm going. I load it with what I need, what is important, the things that will help me function and the things that I love.
Baggage...every memory of hurt, the shadows and whispers of horrible things I've said and done or that have been said or done to me. The ones that make my heart race and my breathing become irregular...the rotten things I wish I could go back and take back, or run from and avoid all together.
How to choose which of these you'll carry?...The atonement. That glorious act of love that allows me, (and everyone else) to pick the very best luggage, and abandon my baggage altogether.
...I think I'm going to start carrying a picture of the Savior in my wallet with my pictures of my kids...
Baggage...every memory of hurt, the shadows and whispers of horrible things I've said and done or that have been said or done to me. The ones that make my heart race and my breathing become irregular...the rotten things I wish I could go back and take back, or run from and avoid all together.
How to choose which of these you'll carry?...The atonement. That glorious act of love that allows me, (and everyone else) to pick the very best luggage, and abandon my baggage altogether.
...I think I'm going to start carrying a picture of the Savior in my wallet with my pictures of my kids...
Monday, November 2, 2009
...Reed, I've done it again!
As the first term of this school year draws to an end, I find myself more frustrated, more threatening, more psychotic than ever before. The reason?...My 13 and 14 year old are really mastering pushing my buttons, getting under my skin, and making my teeth itch! (Every assurance from my mother and Reed does nothing to calm me. I know they're supposed to be idiots, they're teenage boys, but they're my idiots, and I want them to be more collected, more devoted to their education, and completely devoted to being obedient).
More than I'd like to admit, I find myself running to my room for 'time-out' and soaking in the tub until I look like a lobster tail and the tears have quit cascading. They are wonderful boys. I love them dearly and would detest life without them. I'll give you an example of my personal hell...
Me: Hey, I got an e-mail from your (French, History, English, Spanish, PE) teacher this morning saying that you haven't turned in your project. (Pick a topic. Human impact, personal introductory, data on beans that should have been growing for 6 weeks like I told you but that you only started soaking three days ago). The term is almost over and if the assignment isn't turned in you'll get a failing grade. Since I've reminded you of this assignment every day for months at least once, I'd like to know why you haven't turned it in.
Gabe or Nate: I forgot and it isn't done. or: I did it at school and it's already turned in. or: My teacher said I don't have to do it, because all my other work is perfect. (The excuses go on).
Me: Well, whether it's in your locker, under your bed, or still swimming around between your ears, you don't get a passing grade unless it's done on time and turned in completed the way your teacher advised that it be done. Please show me how much you've got.
G & N: (This part varies from allergies to ink, to mind cleansing alien abduction). Well, I started it, but I wasn't able to finish. And I'm too busy to get to it now.
Me: Until this assignment is graded and handed back you have no life, so you're not too busy. Show me what you've done.
This is the part where I find their outlines, stick them to a book or a computer, and despite their crying and surety that I am the worst mom ever, make them do the work. The last minute scramble makes me so crazy. I never considered not doing my work. Am I raising them to be so lazy that they really believe there won't be consequences?...That said, many tears, some threats, a lot of 'poor me', a missed Halloween carnival and being grounded from everything but eating and breathing, we're almost caught up.
...And then Reed comes home from work to find me with a wild look in my eyes and the kids quietly avoiding me in fear that I'll find something else they've 'forgotten' to do. "What have you done to your mother?" he asks.
"Mom yelled and swore and told us that if we did our work well and quickly that maybe, just maybe she'll let us live through the night."
I've said it before, and so have the kids...Worst mom ever!...but I believe in forgiveness, and one day when they're ready to admit that they're acting like little savages, or 3 year old girls, I'll be ready to tell them I'm sorry for being crazy, but they really are asking for it!
More than I'd like to admit, I find myself running to my room for 'time-out' and soaking in the tub until I look like a lobster tail and the tears have quit cascading. They are wonderful boys. I love them dearly and would detest life without them. I'll give you an example of my personal hell...
Me: Hey, I got an e-mail from your (French, History, English, Spanish, PE) teacher this morning saying that you haven't turned in your project. (Pick a topic. Human impact, personal introductory, data on beans that should have been growing for 6 weeks like I told you but that you only started soaking three days ago). The term is almost over and if the assignment isn't turned in you'll get a failing grade. Since I've reminded you of this assignment every day for months at least once, I'd like to know why you haven't turned it in.
Gabe or Nate: I forgot and it isn't done. or: I did it at school and it's already turned in. or: My teacher said I don't have to do it, because all my other work is perfect. (The excuses go on).
Me: Well, whether it's in your locker, under your bed, or still swimming around between your ears, you don't get a passing grade unless it's done on time and turned in completed the way your teacher advised that it be done. Please show me how much you've got.
G & N: (This part varies from allergies to ink, to mind cleansing alien abduction). Well, I started it, but I wasn't able to finish. And I'm too busy to get to it now.
Me: Until this assignment is graded and handed back you have no life, so you're not too busy. Show me what you've done.
This is the part where I find their outlines, stick them to a book or a computer, and despite their crying and surety that I am the worst mom ever, make them do the work. The last minute scramble makes me so crazy. I never considered not doing my work. Am I raising them to be so lazy that they really believe there won't be consequences?...That said, many tears, some threats, a lot of 'poor me', a missed Halloween carnival and being grounded from everything but eating and breathing, we're almost caught up.
...And then Reed comes home from work to find me with a wild look in my eyes and the kids quietly avoiding me in fear that I'll find something else they've 'forgotten' to do. "What have you done to your mother?" he asks.
"Mom yelled and swore and told us that if we did our work well and quickly that maybe, just maybe she'll let us live through the night."
I've said it before, and so have the kids...Worst mom ever!...but I believe in forgiveness, and one day when they're ready to admit that they're acting like little savages, or 3 year old girls, I'll be ready to tell them I'm sorry for being crazy, but they really are asking for it!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Lord Manning of Copper Hills
Big news for our family. I don't know if I remembered to tell anyone that we moved, but we did. To Heber and we love it. (Reed doesn't mind the commute, and I can still see my big brother Richard almost every day, which is vital since he is my anchor to reality...my serene and strong example of unconditional love, patience, kindness and understanding...in short, he keeps me sane)!
Conditions of our move: Only a 20 gallon aquarium, so we need to down size. No dogs or cats, so we had to find our doggy a new home. No trampolines, so ours has moved into storage in the garage.
These are all things I can learn to live with. (Laying in the sun on the trampoline will be very missed. My bathing suit collection will go to waste and I'm sure I'll be lazy about my stomach control now that It'll never see the light of day).
Manny...the AKC knows him as Lord Manning of Copper Hills...has gone to live with my good friend Kimmie and her family. Her husband liked him immediately, so did her daughters. (After some initial panic that one of them might be very allergic to him, turned out she had pneumonia, it wasn't the dog at all, they are happy with him). He is the first dog that hasn't tried to eat their Pomeranian and they love that. (Eli, giant sweet heart of a man, like Reed but Navajo, not German, wants to get rid of the little dog now and just have Manny. Bless them all, Manny is happy)!
Manny...it turned out to be a lot harder to give him up than I anticipated. I cried just as hard as when I had to have my Schindler (my first and favorite Rottweiler) put to sleep. Kimmie smiles at my pathetic effort not to tear up when I visit. I miss him. I miss him 'protecting' me from scary cartoon animals on tv. (You've never seen Brother Bear or Over the Hedge until you've seen it with a pug jumping and growling ferociously at the tv. He is also very vocal about animal planet). I miss him climbing under the covers at night and snuggling up against my back to keep watch. I miss him greeting the kids when they return home from school, and how he runs in circles in the yard, barking at the sky, making sure the aliens know not to land in our yard. (Because only dogs can see the real ones).
The kids did a lot better than I'd anticipated. Crystal, of course, was dramatic and over did it, until I reminded her that she didn't have an audience so she could stop or stay in her room...not another peep from her. The boys were sad, some tears, but they all cheered up when Kimmie told them they can visit whenever they want.
Is there something broken in me that I can get so worked up over my dog, but I look forward to the bus coming in the morning for my kids?...maybe I missed my calling. Perhaps I'd have been a bigger success rescuing critters rather than butting heads with 14 and 13 year old boys.
Maybe if I'd trained my kids as well as the dogs...
Conditions of our move: Only a 20 gallon aquarium, so we need to down size. No dogs or cats, so we had to find our doggy a new home. No trampolines, so ours has moved into storage in the garage.
These are all things I can learn to live with. (Laying in the sun on the trampoline will be very missed. My bathing suit collection will go to waste and I'm sure I'll be lazy about my stomach control now that It'll never see the light of day).
Manny...the AKC knows him as Lord Manning of Copper Hills...has gone to live with my good friend Kimmie and her family. Her husband liked him immediately, so did her daughters. (After some initial panic that one of them might be very allergic to him, turned out she had pneumonia, it wasn't the dog at all, they are happy with him). He is the first dog that hasn't tried to eat their Pomeranian and they love that. (Eli, giant sweet heart of a man, like Reed but Navajo, not German, wants to get rid of the little dog now and just have Manny. Bless them all, Manny is happy)!
Manny...it turned out to be a lot harder to give him up than I anticipated. I cried just as hard as when I had to have my Schindler (my first and favorite Rottweiler) put to sleep. Kimmie smiles at my pathetic effort not to tear up when I visit. I miss him. I miss him 'protecting' me from scary cartoon animals on tv. (You've never seen Brother Bear or Over the Hedge until you've seen it with a pug jumping and growling ferociously at the tv. He is also very vocal about animal planet). I miss him climbing under the covers at night and snuggling up against my back to keep watch. I miss him greeting the kids when they return home from school, and how he runs in circles in the yard, barking at the sky, making sure the aliens know not to land in our yard. (Because only dogs can see the real ones).
The kids did a lot better than I'd anticipated. Crystal, of course, was dramatic and over did it, until I reminded her that she didn't have an audience so she could stop or stay in her room...not another peep from her. The boys were sad, some tears, but they all cheered up when Kimmie told them they can visit whenever they want.
Is there something broken in me that I can get so worked up over my dog, but I look forward to the bus coming in the morning for my kids?...maybe I missed my calling. Perhaps I'd have been a bigger success rescuing critters rather than butting heads with 14 and 13 year old boys.
Maybe if I'd trained my kids as well as the dogs...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Kids were away
Last weekend all 6 kids were gone. First time since February that's happened, but for a good reason. (Not with other mom and other dad). They were at Reeds parents. We were moving!!!
All the way to Heber. We had Elders Quarum help, so I sent the kids away to be not under my feet!
So now the storage unit is empty, the garage full, and slowly full boxes are making their way inside then returning to the garage empty!
Everything is working out nicely, our only complaint is we couldn't keep the dog. ( A good friend has him and is loving him for me now).
So much is done, still so much to do!
Happy and crazy CAN be the same thing, sometimes!
All the way to Heber. We had Elders Quarum help, so I sent the kids away to be not under my feet!
So now the storage unit is empty, the garage full, and slowly full boxes are making their way inside then returning to the garage empty!
Everything is working out nicely, our only complaint is we couldn't keep the dog. ( A good friend has him and is loving him for me now).
So much is done, still so much to do!
Happy and crazy CAN be the same thing, sometimes!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The most wonderful time of the year!
Well school has started and aside from a few tears the second day from Matthew, it's going great! For the first time in months I'm not getting peppered with scalding then icy water from the kids using every faucet in the house while I'm in the shower!
The breakdown...
Nathan is in high school. 9th grade
Gabriel in middle school. 8th grade
Darrian and Michael at the intermediate school. 5th grade (and in the same home room)!
Crystal is in 2nd grade
Matthew is in 1st grade
Four different schools, two different buses, and this year...instead of 1 instrument we've got one on guitar, one violin, two clarinets and two recorders, one piano. (The two little ones haven't started an instrument yet, and Darrian wanted to try cello, but I couldn't figure out how he'd get it to and from school on the bus...so he decided to try clarinet)....I should not that for now I'm counting one of my nieces as my own, and she's on violin. Nathan gave it up for now, and she really wanted to try...she's my 3rd fifth grader, but she is in a different home room, although she's on the same bus...
I need a personal assistant to keep track of all the schedules, but controlled chaos seems to be the norm with us so a little confusion isn't a bad thing. So they're busy learning and I'm catching up on laundry! Usually I mourn the beginning of the school year, this year I anticipated it joyfully...my kids are growing to quickly, and I'm so happy to have 5 days a week with much structured direction to keep them busy and me from going crazy!
The breakdown...
Nathan is in high school. 9th grade
Gabriel in middle school. 8th grade
Darrian and Michael at the intermediate school. 5th grade (and in the same home room)!
Crystal is in 2nd grade
Matthew is in 1st grade
Four different schools, two different buses, and this year...instead of 1 instrument we've got one on guitar, one violin, two clarinets and two recorders, one piano. (The two little ones haven't started an instrument yet, and Darrian wanted to try cello, but I couldn't figure out how he'd get it to and from school on the bus...so he decided to try clarinet)....I should not that for now I'm counting one of my nieces as my own, and she's on violin. Nathan gave it up for now, and she really wanted to try...she's my 3rd fifth grader, but she is in a different home room, although she's on the same bus...
I need a personal assistant to keep track of all the schedules, but controlled chaos seems to be the norm with us so a little confusion isn't a bad thing. So they're busy learning and I'm catching up on laundry! Usually I mourn the beginning of the school year, this year I anticipated it joyfully...my kids are growing to quickly, and I'm so happy to have 5 days a week with much structured direction to keep them busy and me from going crazy!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I'm terribly sorry that I'm so negligent about keeping updated. Begging your forgiveness, and assuming I'll get it, I really am here an will write...when time allows.
I thought the school year kept me hopping, but summer is proving to be a real workout. If raised pulse and rapid breathing kept me fit, I'd be enjoying optimal health right now...
Scout Camp: Jordanelle Reservoir
With the river running fast and deep, the camp site right next to it, Reed ventured out over night with all the 12 and older scouts from our area. ...including Gabriel. Saturday morning, packing up, Gabe is gone. Reed and one of the other leaders start looking. Nearly an hour later when their eyes are wild with panic, Reed now checking every debris spot in the river, the other leader ready to call an all out search and worried about news coverage, guess who meanders into camp?...really, guess.
Yup, it was Gabe. He'd gone to help a friend from another district take down his tent...and forgot to tell anyone where he was going. Much relief felt by all, except Gabe who go to hear the "you'd better be glad that I haven't already called Karen. She'd have been up here with atv's and pedophile sniffing dogs and you know how miserable we all are when mom's scared...the wild eyes and shrill screeching...we can all live without that particular stress"...(Nathan had the good sense to be in Yellowstone instead of with the scouts, so he missed all the 'excitement').
Just a few weeks later, Jeremiah Johnson Day Camp in Spanish Fork, me and 13 bear scouts.
Right after lunch, head count and face check, I've got 11 familiar boys and 2 strangers. I leave my 11 with another leader and grab 2 other moms to help search. We debate ten all head off in different directions. I utter a desperate prayer as I approach the river, run across the foot bridge, and discover the two youngsters happily panning for 'gold' in a trough of water.
After talking with them about the rules and the dangers of wandering away from the group I praised them for staying with their buddy. (I'm a big fan of the buddy system). This was on the walk back to the meeting point with the other searchers.
Later that day when another troop had a missing boy, and the search was more involved because the boy wasn't spotted immediately, I pointed out t my boys how serious all the leaders looked, and how scared it makes us when we don't know exactly where our scouts are.
The day ended with me disarming a youngster of his magnifying glass during the flag ceremony when he set fire to some papers and was totally astonished that it really worked. (It was one of my earlier runaways, so I invited him to leave it home from now on and to review our safety rules with his dad). The drive home was noisy and wiggly with 7 of the 13 in my car. I felt I had earned a shower and a nap, it was a good day!
I thought the school year kept me hopping, but summer is proving to be a real workout. If raised pulse and rapid breathing kept me fit, I'd be enjoying optimal health right now...
Scout Camp: Jordanelle Reservoir
With the river running fast and deep, the camp site right next to it, Reed ventured out over night with all the 12 and older scouts from our area. ...including Gabriel. Saturday morning, packing up, Gabe is gone. Reed and one of the other leaders start looking. Nearly an hour later when their eyes are wild with panic, Reed now checking every debris spot in the river, the other leader ready to call an all out search and worried about news coverage, guess who meanders into camp?...really, guess.
Yup, it was Gabe. He'd gone to help a friend from another district take down his tent...and forgot to tell anyone where he was going. Much relief felt by all, except Gabe who go to hear the "you'd better be glad that I haven't already called Karen. She'd have been up here with atv's and pedophile sniffing dogs and you know how miserable we all are when mom's scared...the wild eyes and shrill screeching...we can all live without that particular stress"...(Nathan had the good sense to be in Yellowstone instead of with the scouts, so he missed all the 'excitement').
Just a few weeks later, Jeremiah Johnson Day Camp in Spanish Fork, me and 13 bear scouts.
Right after lunch, head count and face check, I've got 11 familiar boys and 2 strangers. I leave my 11 with another leader and grab 2 other moms to help search. We debate ten all head off in different directions. I utter a desperate prayer as I approach the river, run across the foot bridge, and discover the two youngsters happily panning for 'gold' in a trough of water.
After talking with them about the rules and the dangers of wandering away from the group I praised them for staying with their buddy. (I'm a big fan of the buddy system). This was on the walk back to the meeting point with the other searchers.
Later that day when another troop had a missing boy, and the search was more involved because the boy wasn't spotted immediately, I pointed out t my boys how serious all the leaders looked, and how scared it makes us when we don't know exactly where our scouts are.
The day ended with me disarming a youngster of his magnifying glass during the flag ceremony when he set fire to some papers and was totally astonished that it really worked. (It was one of my earlier runaways, so I invited him to leave it home from now on and to review our safety rules with his dad). The drive home was noisy and wiggly with 7 of the 13 in my car. I felt I had earned a shower and a nap, it was a good day!
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