Christmas and Beyond

Catching up...Christmas was the hardest day of the year. Loading kids into cars and dropping them off with other parents nearly did me in. I used to call it a 'kid-free weekend' when they were all gone at once, and although I didn't like it, I lived through it. Christmas was hell.

3 kids gone for 1 night, 3 others for 2 nights, and I cried and whimpered and protested the whole time. I was unable to calm down, Reed tried so hard to console me, and all I could do was fight and rage against myself for what I felt was offering them up as a sacrifice to parents who, although active in these children's creation, have by their own choices forfeit the right to be the parents of these amazing little spirits.

There are moments of deep frustration when I'm overwhelmed and pray for a minute of peace when all the kids need my undivided attention at once, but I know now that I am unconditionally a mother, and will never be happy otherwise. With all of them gone I was completely ungrounded. No focus, no ambition, no desire to exist, just anxious for their safe return.

They did all return home safely and emotionally intact for the most part, but how I resented the fact that they couldn't just stay with me. Reed and I are moving our mountain with all our strength to ensure that these precious beings have safety, security, stability, and an eternal family. Perhaps I'm selfish that I want to keep them with me, but how else can I watch over and guide them?...I felt like I was throwing them onto a busy freeway, knowing that cars were coming, and having to trust that I'd supplied them with enough of 'the right stuff' that they could maneuver across without being harmed...right into a den of hungry lions...I've always said that to teach them of the dangers that are waiting to accost them, I wouldn't employ Jeffrey Dahmer to baby-sit, but that's exactly how it felt...and I was powerless to change it!

I should be grateful that it was the 1st time since March that all 6 had been gone at the same time, but I thoroughly resented their absence. I'm now afraid that the Christmas season will forever be marred by other parents. The one day of the year that they can be bothered to put on a good show and look like they are parents. I love Christmas, and I fear that now it will be a dreaded and terrible ordeal.

To get past this, I'm trying to take the advise of my husband, a man I love more than the air I breath, which is to trust in the Lord, trust in what I've taught them, trust in their intelligence that they will know how to be strong and look out for each other until they are returned to me. I could let it go until next Christmas and panic again, but other mom has promised to visit next month. The greatest thing she ever did for her children was to move out of state, and I fear her spending time with them. When all 6 are together they are so strong, when they're apart, they can be faced with indecision, they lack the comfort of knowing they have numbers on their side. Our ward and neighborhood has quickly found that if you mess with one, you have the entire BehlingBunch to answer to, and there are very few problems with bullies and kids being picked on...this said, other mom often makes promises that are immediately forgotten to her, so I can hope she doesn't come to Utah in March...but on the off chance that she follows through, I need to be ready for the anguish and apprehension that fill me when they're absent.

Now I should note that I'm fine when they are with grandparents or scouts, on school activities or with friends, these things they are prepared for, but how do I prepare them for the threat of a parent they love, but that will fail them at every turn, dash their hopes, and expect them to still be loyal and loving through it all?...I need to find solace, peace, BALANCE...my being a psychotic wreck will do nothing to uphold them and fill them with confidence!...nor will it enable me to be a steadying strength to them.

...So I'll get off my soapbox...pray and plead and hover over them in the night when I think I hear one of them cough...I need to learn to give this particular hazard to the Lord...I'm doing all I can do, they are wonderfully smart kids and doing what they can do, the rest isn't up to me.
How I hate not being in control of everything...but that isn't the right plan, and so I must submit.

How I love each of them, I understand now why my parents said and did the things they did while I was growing up. I hope my own children won't resent my efforts, that they'll know it's love, not power, that motivates me!