More Tickle your funny bone

Looking out her kitchen window, a mother saw her son playing church with the cat. He preached at the resting beast, and she smiled to herself, then went on with her day.

A little later she heard the cat yowling and ran to see what was wrong, only to find her son trying to baptize the cat in a tub full of water.

She hollered to her son, "Don't do that, the cat's afraid of water!"

He replied, "He should have thought of that before he joined my church!"

On the drive to a play date, a daughter was asking her mother endless questions: "How old are you? How much do you weigh? Why did you and dad get divorced?" The mother explained that some questions aren't nice to ask, and some things aren't the business of little girls.

Once the mother was out of earshot at the playdate, the girl told her friend that she didn't know anything about her mother, and she wanted answers to her questions. Her friend told her to look at her mothers drivers license, that they were report cards for grown-ups, and had all the important information.

A few days later the girl informed her mother that she knew how old she was. "Oh yeah?" said mom. "Yes, you're 32, and you weigh 140 pounds. And I know why dad divorced you." Shocked and at a loss for words, mom said, "Really, why's that?" To which her daughter replied, "Because you got an F in sex."

Blonde Joke
On a flight from Pittsburgh to Los Angelos, a beautiful blonde woman left her seat in coach, walked into first class, found herself a seat and settled in. The flight attendant asked her to return to her seat, and she refused. "I am beautiful, and deserve to be given special treatment. I'm staying here," she said. The attendant went to get someone else to try and manage this woman.

After several failed attempts to return her to her seat, one of the attendants went to the cockpit and explained to the pilots what was going on. One of the pilots said, "My wife is blonde. Let me handle this." He then went to where the woman was sitting, bent down and said something quietly to her, and she quickly and politely got to her feet and returned to coach.

Amazed, the attendants demanded to know what he'd told her. He grinned and said, "I speak blonde. I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angelos."

Soccer mom to the rescue!

Today was quiet and uneventful, until the kids started coming home from school. Picked 4 up at the elementary school, drove 1 to a friends house, back home to get Crystal ready 4 dance...dropped another off at a friends house on my way to deliver Crystal to dance then raced home to get Darrian ready for soccer practice...Matthew went with me to Darrys practice, halfway through I drove to pick up Nathan from his friends house then raced to pick Gabriel up from his friends house...(his friend had invited a female friend over as well, Gabe and I had a 'discussion' about that on our way back to the soccer field)...

...made me feel all nostalgic about the last term of Michael and Darrians kindergarten year...4 school aged kids in 2 different schools. In the morning I drove Gabriel and Darrian to their school, and Nathan to his...then went to pick Darrian up from a.m. kindergarten...fed kids in the car on our way to drop Michael at the other school for p.m. kindergarten. Matthew and Crystal and I spent so much time in the car...it was like a second home...then the school day ended with picking Gabe up from one school in the middle of town, and jetting to the north end of town to meet Nathan and Michaels bus. We had more happy meals that term than should be allowed by law...

...then we moved and the kids were all in the same school at the same time and it was only blocks away...even in the worst weather I 'let' them walk...and crazy was no longer a state-of-being!..so when did I forget about calm and let them take lessons and play sports and set myself to breaking speed records in my big white battle wagon?

Mom To The Rescue!!!

Remember when my boys were tiny and angelic and I was still bigger than they were?...well I'm having massive denial that they're growing so quickly. Nathan is officially taller than I am, and Gabriel will outgrow me this year. Darrian and Michael are both big enough now that they are difficult to lift, and although I can still throw Matthew or CrystalLynn over my shoulder, they've let me know that it's not always very dignified. "Mom, people are looking at us, put me down!"

Where was I going with this?...I remember a dear friend stepping on a toothpick and having her dad try to remove it from the sole of her foot with pliers...suddenly I find that my two oldest are mature enough for this kind of first aid. I stepped down on a needle point needle in my bedroom, it went clear into my heel!...Ouch!..."Nate, Gabe, run and grab the needle nose pliers from the drawer in the kitchen and bring a bottle of rubbing alcohol and some cotton."

"What do you need this for?" upon their return. "Gabe, you hold my leg down, Nate, brace my ankle so my foot doesn't run away when I start pulling." No tears, no holding of breath, just a robust, "Mom that is so gross!" Everyone lived, but now there are 2 smart Alec's that tease me about trying to stitch my own foot...trying and failing miserably!...Isn't that why we have children?...to teach us humility or to improve our sense of humor?...